So i went an untagged a few photos of him. Because that makes sense- especially because I couldn’t bring myself to untag every one (it would look very angry of me to go and untag every single photo), just about 10 of them- some of them being the ones I know he thinks he looks good in.

I don’t want his profile being pimped with my photos.

I’ve been staring at the photos on his profile that are the two of us thinking it wasn’t appropriate anymore to have them. I just left one of them.

and…

then found PhD on facebook (completely inactive almost) and added him.

Best time to look at Tomatos profile and see about 4 updates and some photos (One confirming the girlfriend)?? A

fter today. Barely felt the hurt. I’ve been hugging and staring and kissing and etc at/with PhD for 5 hours today.

Still a little unsettling. But not devastating like normal.

had a little almost-silent monologue yell to Tomato in my head in the bathroom. 

Out came a statement about my family’s divorce, mum in hospital and grandmother’s death and me imagining him saying ‘what a horrible time, and a boyfriend broke up with you’ and me responding with ‘you don’t even rate! You are nothing in comparison, you are not even on the same level as my family and my parents.’

And continuing on to remind him/me that he broke up with me via a text message when he was only 30 minutes away. Calling him a weak person etc.

So maybe not 100% over him, generally am. Don’t think of him everyday anymore. But still got some anger there

“fucking [Tomato] put fucking (four of them) photos up on facebook. two have a female in it i think (who knows what relationship they have). two are of men in suits playing screen golf.

…but fucker. stab. through. the fucking. heart. (although its completely fair and blah blah blah blah rationalization)”

-my facebook message to Accent and Cat.

I have unsubscribed so I don’t get random surprises anymore that stop me dead in my tracks at inappropriate times. I have to choose to type in his name and look at his profile.

But pretty sure it’s his new girlfriend/soon-to-be girlfriend. urghhhhhhhhhh. Kinda need a release- might have a nice little cry and a nap this afternoon before my date (PhD…why I have 3 guys that I see but none of them are really great…that’s depressing too)

And why doesn’t he untag the photos of us together, in clearly couply photos etc? Including one of couple dressing? He has those all on his profile for anyone to see?

It’s also completely fair because I have put up hundreds of photos since we broke up, including a few (maybe a select 2 or 5) that involve a Korean guy he doesn’t know- so can assume I met after him. But I don’t know if that gets him as much as these photos get me. 

These days I’m starting to just simply think that he wasn’t really into the relationship. Not any of this location/lifestyle bullshit he fed me. He wasn’t into what I wanted. Simple.

I just had a talk with 누나. Prompted by him asking what I think about him. I had to tell him.

Now I’m bawling

He took it well. Like the good guy he is. Said just friends then. But this sucks so much. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I’d hurt him more if I let him keep thinking things were more than they were. I let him know it is his choice if he wants to see me again. But he needed to know that I don’t want a relationship now and don’t know if I will. The unsaid part was “with you” but I don’t think I wanted to drop that bomb.

He kind of brushed off ever having wanted a relationship with me. Saying 3 meetings is just crazy blah blah. But his actions previously tell me more.

Poor damn kid. It showed when he left. He didn’t kiss me or anything. He’s hurt.

And poor me. For the next few hours at least. That was the first time i have told a guy that. I’ve never had a guy like me more than I like him. This is what happens when you stop dating people you have known platonically for long enough (or just luck with Tomato and with Meal I liked him more than he liked me)

So I will feel shitty for myself, and mainly for him, and just have a good cry as I fall asleep.

I wish I had a friend to hug me. But Casanova and Accent are in Busan.

누나 is getting a little too attached and/or possesive

Worried about me meeting other guys.

누나: ㅋ 술 조금 마시고 집에 일찍 들어가~ 누나: 알았지?

Me: 응

누나:친구들은 남자지??ㅠㅠ ㅋ 너 믿는다 이상한 짓 하면 안되~~

Me: 네??

누나: maybe ur friends r male.but i beleive u .so don’t make me disappointed by 바람피기

Then he phoned me and asked the same type of questions. I’m given him the benefit of the doubt on some of the language he used when he said “When I call you- you will answer” Didn’t like the bossing around and possessive overtones. Starting to feel I need to sit him down and give him a chat. But may hold off on that. See what happens tomorrow night when we meet.

One of my recent keyword searches from google’s polish website.

How can I dump a girl in Seoul

Wow. I hope you aren’t travelling TO seoul to achieve this, but already are in Korea.

If I can help: probably the same way you do anywhere else. I wouldn’t say there is a breakup spot in Seoul

Although, I always thought that if you’ve put locks up on Namsan, you could always surprise her and take her up there again, and let her watch you unlock them and then throw them at her face and run away.

And then my bed got wrecked

Friday night’s date: Waited for 누나 (now officially the name of the guy I’ve been on a few dates with- i’ll edit previous entries) at the subway exit.

You can tell what stage of the relationship we are in by the fact I didn’t put on my jacket because it ruined my look. Even though I was cold. Yeah, I’m that girl (to a point).

(Cut for length and a bit of TMI)

Read More

….힘들다

Woke up this morning. Checked my tumblr, email and facebook.

Come across Tomato’s latest update to his status at 5am

Tomato: (Current Korean Name) (Old Korean name) He went to heaven…Please aedohae

Firstly, he has had two names because the old one was one that he was teased a lot for, his grandfather picked it. The one he uses now (it’s legal) is the one his mother chose for him when she was dying. It’s a much nicer meaning.

So in my half-dazed-just-woken-up state of mind, I think he has died. But I don’t really believe it, but I can’t process other options. Message Accent a bit about it, hashing out things

• I’m his main English audience. The only other native English speakers on his friends are myself, Accent and Casanova. Why would anyone write it there? and in English?
• His choice of topic (and whatever meaning he was going for) and choice of English is telling.
• He’s probably not dead, because it’s his Facebook account and it’s English. But maybe a friend has access (and a lot of them have basic English)

We basically decide that it can’t be about his father, because I know they don’t have the same name (although I don’t know his father’s name).

We generally decide that to put my mind at ease I should message one of the friends. Don’t go straight for Cheeks, but a more middle-ground area. I pick the one, the one who I messaged a bit a month ago (he initiated).

Just then though, the same friend I picked to message, comments on Tomato’s status in Korean saying- “that’s funny? 애도해? Really?”

So I message him

안녕… I am worried/confused about [Tomato]’s Facebook. I don’t know why that was written. He is alive, right?

Basically I get this response

안녕..[GIS]~~um..Don`t worry..그는 지금 괜찮아요..잠시 힘들어서 그런거뿐인거같아요..

어제도 얼굴보고 저녁도 먹었어요..

 GIS!! 너무 걱정마세요..^^

And he even provided a general English translation of “Don`t be too distracted..I had met him yesterday for dinner. He’s all right, really”

Continues a bit…

GIS: 응. I always worried about his behavior. I know he gets sad or upset about his life. So the Facebook was a worry. 진짜 고마워^^

Friend: I also empathize with your mind. He’ll be sorry for you lot.  I was in love with you can feel the house to. Wish each other a nice life.. 감기 조심해..[GIS]..^^

GIS (excuse the mistakes in the korean): 알아지만 3 달동안 [Tomato] 안 연략해요. If he is so sad- he should call or meet me…….Yeah. In the future I hope he is happy. 어쨌든 다시 고마워요

Friend: [GIS] 한국말이 점점 향상되고있어요..항상 힘내고 즐거운 마음 가져요..화이팅!!^^

I kinda don’t have anything to over analyse (and I don’t really want to either), it’s so little. He got sad (it’s 5am, so that was his prime time for drunk calls/visits/messages) and wrote a status. He’s alive, but in the same state of mind he has been in for a long time.

I don’t want to dwell on this, I want to forget it. It changes nothing, except lets me know that he’s still not okay (either with his life or about us). Whereas yesterday I had a great day where I didn’t get sad and my thoughts about him were less in volume, depth and emotion.

It makes me get a little pang for wanting to be with him again, but I know in my head that he needs to change his outlook on life and a lot of things about him, and that’s not going to happen. But a little part of me wants this friend to tell him to meet me or call me (I want the friend to shake him and say ‘what the fuck are you doing), but what’s the point of that anyway?

And that’s the start of my day ㅠㅠ Not going to get much better I think, I’m exhausted, could not sleep last night with stomach pains.