Absolutely every one of my friends (except for 언니) are overseas right now.

PhD pointed out the bad timing that I am so free and he is under pressure doing his experiments.

So today was sleeping. Then I went for subway for dinner and a venti Starbucks. Otherwise a crapload of cross stitch.

It was nice. I’m appreciating my rediscovered ability to just relax alone.

And I’m starting to get to the point where I am comparing Me-with-tomato self and Me-with-Phd self. As well as the differences in the two guys and relationships.

But i am in a good frame of mind about it. Seeing the things that PhD gives me that Tomato didn’t. Obviously there were good points about Tomato but I think Phd is much more the type of guy for me.

So i went an untagged a few photos of him. Because that makes sense- especially because I couldn’t bring myself to untag every one (it would look very angry of me to go and untag every single photo), just about 10 of them- some of them being the ones I know he thinks he looks good in.

I don’t want his profile being pimped with my photos.

I’ve been staring at the photos on his profile that are the two of us thinking it wasn’t appropriate anymore to have them. I just left one of them.

and…

then found PhD on facebook (completely inactive almost) and added him.

Bad sad mood.

Mulled Wine. Presso Beer and Guiness over ice cream.

Telling Scarecrow I have a boyfriend (maybe true) and I can’t meet him anymore.

Snow fight with accent on the way home. Walking into home plus express and explaining to my regular lady why we are covered in snow

Throwing snow balls at Lairs window. Then slamming them into Accents window where Casanova was working. I don’t think she was so happy. Kinda scared her.

Now sleep. Can’t believe I went from so sad to so happy.

Best time to look at Tomatos profile and see about 4 updates and some photos (One confirming the girlfriend)?? A

fter today. Barely felt the hurt. I’ve been hugging and staring and kissing and etc at/with PhD for 5 hours today.

Still a little unsettling. But not devastating like normal.

had a little almost-silent monologue yell to Tomato in my head in the bathroom. 

Out came a statement about my family’s divorce, mum in hospital and grandmother’s death and me imagining him saying ‘what a horrible time, and a boyfriend broke up with you’ and me responding with ‘you don’t even rate! You are nothing in comparison, you are not even on the same level as my family and my parents.’

And continuing on to remind him/me that he broke up with me via a text message when he was only 30 minutes away. Calling him a weak person etc.

So maybe not 100% over him, generally am. Don’t think of him everyday anymore. But still got some anger there

“fucking [Tomato] put fucking (four of them) photos up on facebook. two have a female in it i think (who knows what relationship they have). two are of men in suits playing screen golf.

…but fucker. stab. through. the fucking. heart. (although its completely fair and blah blah blah blah rationalization)”

-my facebook message to Accent and Cat.

I have unsubscribed so I don’t get random surprises anymore that stop me dead in my tracks at inappropriate times. I have to choose to type in his name and look at his profile.

But pretty sure it’s his new girlfriend/soon-to-be girlfriend. urghhhhhhhhhh. Kinda need a release- might have a nice little cry and a nap this afternoon before my date (PhD…why I have 3 guys that I see but none of them are really great…that’s depressing too)

And why doesn’t he untag the photos of us together, in clearly couply photos etc? Including one of couple dressing? He has those all on his profile for anyone to see?

It’s also completely fair because I have put up hundreds of photos since we broke up, including a few (maybe a select 2 or 5) that involve a Korean guy he doesn’t know- so can assume I met after him. But I don’t know if that gets him as much as these photos get me. 

These days I’m starting to just simply think that he wasn’t really into the relationship. Not any of this location/lifestyle bullshit he fed me. He wasn’t into what I wanted. Simple.

Because of a dream.

After a week of almost never thinking about Tomato, with no feelings or emotions…

I had a dream about all the guys in the past I have loved (generally without telling them, or without it working out). None of them were actually Tomato, but I feel they all represented part of him at some points in the dream.

Obviously this was all brought up by meeting PhD, that night and drinking a bit.

But I hate that my dreams can do that to me. That they leave me completely unsettled in a competely intangible way. I don’t even know what I feel (is it sadness? surrealness? loss?), but I know I don’t feel ‘right’…all freaking day long.

The current happenings

A guy whose appearance I have fears for. Who seems not so confident… Date tentatively set for next next Friday.

A guy who seems pretty hot in his photos. But I fear will look ridiculously old in real life. Although Tomato was the same age at 32 and I didn’t think he looked that old. This one is still studying his PHD.

Then there are emails between the one who lives in my neighborhood.

And I guess Oh and Scarecrow will raise their heads every so often. And I swear this time I will really leave Captain alone. I can’t be the one initiating it. I won’t get drunk and text him about awesome things we should do. I promise.

I also hate that moment when I get to read Tomato’s two-monthly status update. Sometimes I understand the Korean straight away. This time almost all the vocabulary was beyond me. And I hate google translate.

But I think I figured it out It was “해제 해주실 구세주를 만나요”

Now I could be completely wrong with it being “release all your baggage…meet the lord/savior” it confuses me because I obviously have huge holes in my grammar knowledge and don’t see a conjunction or how the two halves of the sentences join together. Maybe the 실??

His friends then comment about “also will be a girl” and “me” Then Tomato responds with a “아가리들 닥치라…. 회장님이 밀씀하는대” Which lucky me again is beyond my vocab. I get something literal like “befalls the genius…but president said”

And the heart rate can fall. Pretty sure there is no reading into that and finding out he has a girlfriend and is ridiculously happy and is getting married tomorrow.